On December 9th, 2010, the Backstreet Boys Cruise, a four-day fan appreciation event held by pop group the Backstreet Boys aboard a cruise ship, set sail from Miami, Florida carrying 304 passengers. The event, in support of their seventh studio album This Is Us, consisting of live performances by the group, Q&A sessions, game show activities, photo sessions and more, was to be an “exclusive and intimate celebration” and “the perfect way to kick off the holiday season”. On December 11th, in the Caribbean Sea between the island of Cozumel and Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula, the cruise ship was attacked. 5 passengers were killed, 73 injured, and 11 went missing and are suspected to have been kidnapped. Money, alcohol, food, oil and various other goods were stolen and the ship was sunk.
After the rescue, all five original members of the Backstreet Boys were taken to the Miami Field Office of the FBI and interrogated about the events that took place aboard the ship on December 11th.
Oh hell yes I was fightin’ those pirates! Yeah, pirates. They had their own ship with a skull on the flag, do-rags or those hats, those pirate hats, and shit. They even had swords! Motherfuckin’ swords! But did that stop me, Johnny No Name? Oh hell no. I fucked a bunch of those pirates up! “Who’s Johnny No Name?” That’s who I become when the shit goes down, ya feel me? That’s my bad-ass alter ego. I perform as Johnny No Name when I’m not singing with the Boys. I’ve got a show down here in Miami in January. You should check it out. I’ll make sure you’re on the list. Bring your wife and kids. But anyways bro, as soon as I saw those pirates, it was like BOOM: I changed into Johnny No Name. Those pirates were about to find out that they were fuckin’ with the wrong cruise ship. (Punches the air.)
I was in the Coconut Grove when they attacked. It’s the bar on the cruise ship. Drinking? Yeah, I was having a drink. I was but I got that shit on lockdown. I’m in control of me, ya feel me? Like my second. Don’t you wanna hear about how I fucked up these pirates? Good. So I was at the bar when these motherfuckers come bustin’ through the doors and windows shoutin’ about, I don’t know, walkin’ the plank and shit and I was just like, Hell No. So like I said, I went Johnny No Name on some motherfuckers, saved who knows how many people and lived to fight another day.
I saw Brian. He was all like, “Help us, God. Save my family, God.” I don’t know ‘bout the rest of ‘em. I was too busy kickin’ pirate ass, man. Shit. When you’re smackin’ around like five or six pirates at once, you think you can keep track of all that bullshit? Kevin? He ain’t even a Backstreet Boy no more. Y’all need to get your facts straight. He wasn’t there.
So now I get a reward, right? I ain’t in need of cash, bro, but I ain’t gonna turn it down, ya feel me? What about a medal or like an honorary badge or some shit?
I was with my wife Leighanne and son Baylee. We were discussing the Word with a group of fans in front of the Coconut Grove when the men came in. Pirates? I don’t know about that. They were all in black and wearing masks. Guns. It was chaos. People, our fans, innocent children of God, were screaming as they were being attacked. I grabbed my wife and son and as many others as I could and got them to our cabin. I told them not to open the door unless I gave them the knock. (Demonstrates knock on table.) After that I went out to check the small boats, to see if I could get people off the ship. This was when I heard and felt an explosion. I don’t know where. It seemed to be below me, near the front of the ship. I kept going and found that the area where the boats were was empty. I went back to the cabin and got my family and the group of fans and got them in one of the boats. Then I got as many others as I could onto boats and rafts or into life jackets.
A.J. was in the Coconut Grove at the time of the attack. He was very drunk, unfortunately. He’s been struggling with that for awhile. I was getting my family and fans out of there, so I can’t say I saw him fighting anyone. I don’t know where Nick and Howie were. Nick may have been in his cabin playing video games. Howie spent a lot of time on the deck feeding seagulls. Kevin? You know, there were a couple of times when I thought I saw Kevin. Once during our first performance and then later when I was having dinner with my family. But there’s no way it was him. He hasn’t been with the group for four years.
I like it when a woman talks dirty. It’s the bomb. You meet a girl backstage and if she’s all fine you give her your room number and then she comes up and you have a couple of drinks maybe and then you get it on. And when you start knockin’ the boots, she starts talkin’ dirty. Ooh! Nothin’ better.
When you’re in the biggest vocal group of all time, you get with a lot of women. A lot. I’m talkin’ thousands. From 1997 to 2001, I had sex with at least five thousand women. Any chick I wanted. We’d do a show, our management would bring all kinds of sexy ladies back stage and I would pick whichever I wanted. And as many as I wanted! That was the prime of the prime of my life. Cause I’m still in my prime. No doubt.
I give girls to the Boys. I have to. Otherwise they wouldn’t get none! If some girl is sweatin’ me and I ain’t feelin’ her, I’m like, “You gotta talk with my boy A.J. You’re just his type.” And they do. Cause I gotta spread the love, you know? I may be in my prime but I’m only one man. And these are my Boys!
I hooked up with this honey earlier today. A Miami Girl. Miami Girls are wild, man. I think she was half Cuban. She was feisty, dog! Caliente! I was just strollin’ down Lincoln Road in South Beach, lookin’ sharp in a white t, when this girl just walked right up to me. She was like, “Nick Carter you gonna take me back to yo place and make love to me.” Just like that. So we went back to my crib and she jumped on top of me before I even had the door open. We did it on the floor, on the table, on the couch. Everywhere but the bed, I think! That’s my life, dude! Every day!
I think it was Kevin.
Yeah, I was on the ship. I had to come. I had to see it. “The Backstreet Boys Cruise”. What a joke. This is why I left the group. These kinds of stupid career decisions. I remember back in 2002, the Boys were talking about doing shows at a circus. A circus! I’m old school, man. Like a Rat Pack kinda cat. Classy and cool. I don’t perform at a circus. I wanted to do Vegas. We needed to grow up, you know? But they didn’t get it. Celine Dion got it. She’s a smart lady. So I left and became an actor. Chicago on Broadway and a film called Love Takes Wing. Best work of my life. Check it out for yourself. You’ll see I made the best decision of my life.
I was hanging in the shadows of the Coconut Grove watching A.J. and Brian. No, they never saw me. I was incognito, in character. I was “Calvin Robertson” a TV director. I had a bald cap. I knew it was a good disguise but then somebody from the crew said I looked like Lex Luther. Then I knew it was great. A.J. was trying to hit on some girls at the bar and Brian was preaching. It was so hard to watch, man. Then the attack happened. It was exciting. In a frightening way, of course. A.J. started screaming at them that he was “Johnny No Name”, trying to fight them. Then he got knocked out with the butt of a rifle. Idiot. Brian ran off. I noticed Nick sitting at a table while I was checking the surroundings. He was shivering with a double cheeseburger in his hands. Then he fainted. Boys, always Boys. Me? I’m a man.
Like I said, I was hidden in a corner, checking out the scene, figuring out what to do. What? (Smacks the table.) What?! I was trying to help! What could I do against a bunch of pirates? They had guns! Howie? I didn’t—! I never wanted—! I… I don’t like where this line of questioning is headed, man. I want my lawyer. Nope. Lawyer.
(Through a medium.) I like the seagulls. They’re white. When they talk sometimes it sounds like they say, “Howie, Howie”. That makes me laugh! I feed them hot dogs. The chef gives them to me and I go on the deck and I say, “Here seagulls,” and they land on the deck and I give them the hot dogs. But only little chunks. They have small stomachs.
I was “Strum” on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. I got to hang out with the talking black cat! People told me black cats were bad luck but that cat was nice. He loved tuna!
A.J. smells funny a lot. Like my uncle. And he yells.
I love to be on the boat. I love the birds and the waves and the chef and the fans and the captain. The captain lets me drive the boat and honk the horn! It sounds like a big toad or a fart. Nick always farts. We play video games in the cabin and he says, “Pull my finger, Howie,” and I do and he farts!
I don’t like pirates anymore.
Brian is nice. He tells me stories about Jesus and Moses and Heaven. He says they help him feel strong. Cause sometimes he doesn’t feel strong. He feels sad and he gets scared. I have to tell him about it when I see him. He was right about some things but not all things. But that’s ok.
I used to like pirates. Like Pirates of the Caribbean at Disney. Pirates of the Caribbean was my favorite ride. They were nice pirates. They sang songs and they moved funny. They didn’t have masks and guns and they didn’t yell when you wanted to get more hot dogs. So I don’t like pirates anymore. They’re mean. They hurt me. The bald one hurt me. He said, “Sorry, Howie. I didn’t mean to.” Stupid pirate.
I like Kevin. He sings low and I sing high. Is he going to sing with us again? It’s the most fun when we all sing.