Prophetic Costumes for Halloween 2009

Midway through the scone eating contest I was having with a Beetlejuice DVD this past Saturday, I realized that I had not yet chosen a Halloween costume and the holiday was but a week away!  After finishing my second and final blueberry scone, I took some gentle ribbing from the triumphant digital video disc of the Tim Burton film – who had consumed twenty-seven squares of the British quickbread – and began to think about potential costumes.
‘What about Hilary Swank as Amelia Earhart in “Amelia”?  I can tape the corners of my mouth back to my ears to capture that Swank Smile.’
‘How about you tape your face to your butt and be Shia LaBeouf?’
The Beetlejuice DVD and I went over several more ideas but they were all outdated.  I wanted a costume that was going to be on the cutting edge.  Beyond, if possible.
‘How you gonna do that when your dainty ass can’t get past a couple of scones?’
‘I’m going to see a psychic.’
Madame Quatorze, who can see up to fourteen months in the future, with the help of fifty dollars, looked into her crystal ball and informed me of the events and people who will make an impact between November of this year and the end of next.  Based upon her clairvoyance, I’ve come up with ten costumes for this Halloween guaranteed to put me, and any of you who’d like to use these, beyond the cutting edge.

President Barack Obama Covered in Pumpkin Pies

First Lady/Prankster Michelle Obama, at the White House’s Thanksgiving dinner, will come up with her best gag yet – until Arbor Day 2010 at least.  She is going to tell her husband that the health care bill will pass if he allows her and the kids to throw nine pumpkin pies at him.  The President will swallow his pride for the well being of the country and get covered in pie.  The bill’s fate will not be so sweet.

The Jonas Brothers Fused Together

One of the brother boy band’s contract stipulations involves monthly special appearances at Disney tours.  During one such appearance, on a tour for the Disney Labs, the brothers will perform ”Fly with Me” and the cables for their aerial performance will snap over a chemical vat.  When the brothers emerge from the vat, much to the horror of the tour, the toxic chemicals will have caused their bodies to fuse into one with three heads.  Remarkably, their popularity with tweens will triple.

The Breakfast Burrito of an Indeterminate Age That Mutated and Set Off the Great Zombie Plague of 2011

Pretty self-explanatory.

Elijah Wood as The Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland

‘No, that’s Johnny Depp.’
‘What?’
‘It’s Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.’
‘It looks like Elijah Wood on that poster.’
‘You think so?’
‘Yeah.  Look at the eyes, the pallor, the creepy grin.’
‘Eh.  I don’t really see it.’
‘Huh.  But what if it was?  What if Johnny Depp and Elijah Wood were the same person?  That would mean Johnny Depp was Frodo Baggins.’
‘Nah.’
‘Just imagine.’
‘I don’t really want to.  It’s too implausible.’
‘You’re no fun anymore Beetlejuice DVD.’

Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland

The Zeppelin Turtle

All of the publicity surrounding the Balloon Boy hoax will cause a surge in mylar balloon sales in 2010.  With the mylar balloon industry thriving, the zeppelin industry will plummet.  In an effort to boost sales, Marty Zeppelin, owner of The Zeppelin Ztore, will place his daughter Kathy’s pet turtle Cornelius in a zeppelin and let it loose.  The rest will be history.
Bonus points if you get three friends to play the Avon Ladies who had been hypnotized at a hypnotist comedy show to believe they were World War II marines and, upon seeing the zeppelin, thought the Germans were invading and shot it down.

The I Rub My Duckie

2010′s most popular sex toy: a vibrating rubber duck.

Greenland

Since everybody goes as the U.S., U.K., Russia, Australia or Uruguay, I asked Madame Quatorze what would be the cool country in 2010.  Her prediction: Greenland.  If I choose this costume, I can’t wait to look at the person dressed as Portugal, thinking they’re so cool when they’re really so 2009, and shake my ice sheet all up in their face.

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle

I didn’t need the psychic to tell me that this would be a great costume.  This one is a classic that is perfect for every year.  Here’s how you do it: If you’re a man, you put on a blonde wig and make-up, act really perky and lovable and get a male blow-up doll with a curly brown wig; if you’re a woman, you get a curly brown wig, a Transformers action figure, a giant, foot-operated electronic piano and the actor Robert Loggia – he can be rented by the night or by the hour.
Warning: Do not make the mistake of going as Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail.  No one wants their costume to make them look like an asshole. 

Blanket Jackson from The Blanket Jackson Human Artifact Adventure Hour

Like Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert/TV personality Steve ‘The Crocodile Hunter’ Irwin, before him, Michael ‘Blanket’ Jackson II, will take up his father’s mantle and begin a career in show business.  Unlike Bindi however, Blanket’s main interest will not be the main interest of his father – i.e. pop music – but one of his father’s hobbies, the collection of odd human artifacts – e.g. the Elephant Man’s bones.  Blanket will have his own one hour television program where he goes on an adventure each week for a different human artifact – Things like: the hands of ‘Lobster Boy’ Grady Stiles, the bark-like growths of Treeman, Joseph Stalin’s mustache collection (he could in fact not grow his own facial hair), and the brain of Stephen Hawking – which, though a complete bust, made for interesting TV when Blanket found Hawking to be alive.  The show will run for nine episodes before being cancelled by WE tv.

Characters from Lagoon

Stephenie Meyer will drive a stake through her young-adult vampire-romance novel series Twilight and create a new series, titled Lagoon, about a young woman who moves from New Mexico to the Florida Everglades to live with her mother and meets a strange young man at high school who will reveal to her, using himself, the existence of sea monsters.  The WB will adapt the series into a television show under the title Creatures from Black Lagoon High.  No one will remember who Robert Pattinson was by Fall 2010.