A GaGa Xmas

Pitch for Lady GaGa’s Christmas television special, A GaGa Xmas:

Song One

Open on the darkened stage.  A light goes on above center stage – it is the Star of Bethlehem.  A choir of sopranos begins to sing offstage.  The light is directed down to center stage.  It illuminates the Nativity scene.  Mary, Joseph, and the Three Wisemen kneel down on golden hay in a glass manger around a star-shaped platform.  Mary and Joseph are in hooded robes of crimson and the Three Wisemen in emerald green.  Mary and Joseph remove their hoods and reveal themselves to be Madonna and David Bowie.  The star-shaped platform opens and Lady GaGa emerges.  GaGa has a glowing halo hanging above her head attached to a metal bar which connects to a neck brace studded with diamonds.  She wears a white leotard with one sleeve and gold lace-up boots.  The choir continues as Madonna and Bowie assist GaGa off of the platform and out of the manger, the Three Wisemen following.  Once they reach the front of the stage, Madonna and Bowie stand on each side of GaGa, kiss her on the cheek and exit the stage.  The choir stops.  More Wisemen emerge from both sides of the stage.  There are now a total of twelve and they surround GaGa.  The Wisemen remove their emerald robes and throw them to the sides of the stage.  They are now Angels in silver underwear with silver wings on their backs.  The song begins.  It is to the tune of “Bad Romance”: Fa fa fa-la-la-la / Fa-fa fa-la-la-la / Fa fa fa-la-la-la / A GaGa Xmas … I brought you Yule logs / I brought you some wreaths / I brought you fruitcake and even this tree / I brought you love / Love, love, love / I brought you love … I brought you love and I brought you presents / You and me can have a GaGa Xmas … Ho ho Santa baby / All your gifts make me so crazy / Ho ho Santa baby / I’ll feed you milk and cookies baby … etc.  During the song the Angels swoop around GaGa beating their wings.  At one point, GaGa, on her back, pushes herself across the floor, the halo scraping against the stage, thrusting her pelvis into the air as she slides.  She reaches the center and the Angels lift her onto her feet.  The music stops.  The Angels fall around GaGa’s feet.  All the lights cut out and the only light on stage is GaGa’s halo.  The halo sputters before going out.

Commercial Break

Skit One

Open on a Mall Santa scene: Santa Claus sits on a gilded chair at center stage; the ground is covered in faux snow; a fully-decorated tree stands to Santa’s right; an Elf stands to Santa’s left; a line of children wait to speak with Santa; behind Santa is a painted backdrop of a shopping mall.  Santa calls for the next child and GaGa steps out onto the stage in a bondage dress made entirely out of silver tinsel, sunglasses and a poinsettia hat.  All the children whisper in awe amongst themselves as she struts over to Santa.  Before she reaches him, the Elf steps in front of her, baring her way.  A moment passes with GaGa, arms akimbo, and the Elf, arms crossed, staring at one another.  The Elf does a quick, yet elaborate dance routine.  GaGa repeats the routine.  The Elf approves and allows her to visit Santa.  GaGa sits on Santa’s lap and he asks her what she wants for Christmas.  GaGa replies, “I want it all.”  Santa then asks if she’s been a good girl.  GaGa says that she has but Santa says he’s heard otherwise, “You’ve been a monster.  A Fame Monster.”  GaGa does an impersonation of the after-shave scene in Home Alone for the camera.  She then tells Santa she can make it up to him by working at his workshop.  He agrees.

Commercial Break

Song Two

Open on interior of Santa’s Workshop: tool benches are spread across the stage with Elves making toys; a conveyor belt behind is filled with toys which go towards a door marked “Ready to Wrap”; above the belt on the wall hangs a sign which reads “Work Haus of KrinGle”.  Santa Claus enters followed by Lady GaGa.  GaGa is dressed as a nutcracker figurine.  The song begins.  It is to the tune of “Poker Face”: I wanna build ‘em like they do at Santa’s place / Mold ‘em shape ‘em paint ‘em and then put them in their case … Ho ho-ho-ho ho ho-ho-ho / I’ll make them hot, show him what I got … I’ll make toys, I’ll make toys / I’ll make toys at Santa’s Place … S-S-S-Santa’s Place, S-S-S-Santa’s Place … I’ll make you this, make you this / Check my toys cause they’re marvelous / I’ll make toys, I’ll make toys / I’ll make toys at Santa’s Place … etc.  GaGa and the Elves dance around and on top of the tool benches with Santa bopping approvingly to the side.  The music stops and GaGa picks up a toy horse and rides over to Santa.  He laughs merrily.

Commercial Break

Skit Two

Open on a lone piano at center stage illuminated by a spotlight.  The piano is covered in freesias and miniature roses.  Lady GaGa enters dressed as an Advent Calendar.  She takes a seat at the piano and begins playing bits of “Christmas Time Is Here”, from A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi.  GaGa talks about childhood memories like her crush on the piano-playing Peanuts character Schroeder – wearing out the VHS tape of the special, making her parents buy her a toy piano just like his, playing the theme song repeatedly and dreaming about them together as Bonnie & Clyde-like fugitives playing piano at dive bars in between bank heists, their mugs all over the papers.  During her memories, GaGa opens doors on the calendar outfit, pulls out pieces of candy and either eats them or tosses them out into the audience.

Commercial Break

Song Three

Open on the exterior of Santa’s Home/Workshop: the ground is covered in snow; giant candy canes line the walk up to the front door; a large, fully-decorated tree stands in the back; a sign on the front of the home reads “Haus of KrinGle”.  Santa emerges from his home, pats his belly, looks at the snow and then calls for his reindeer.  Muscular dancers enter in masks of reindeer – with horns – made to look like they came from Picasso’s Guernica, with crimson and gold-colored reins.  The Reindeer are pulling GaGa who wears a small wooden sleigh, trimmed with gold, on her torso and a wreath, with red ribbon, around her neck.  When Santa sees GaGa and the Reindeer he laughs merrily.  The song begins.  It is to the tune of “Just Dance”: I’m bad a little bit too much, much / All of my monsters start to rush, start to rush me / Santa won’t give me a gift, can’t get no coal, oh man / Santa oh please, let me prove it, move it … Just prance, gonna pull my way / Fa-fa-doo-doo-mmm / Just prance, fill my sleigh up babe / Fa-fa-doo-doo-mmm … Rudolph I can see that you got so much energy / The way you’re glowin’ by the nose to my sound / And now there’s no reason at all why you can’t give these gifts with me / I think it’s time for you and I to fly Santa around … etc.  GaGa dances around Santa, batting her eyelashes trying to win him over, while the Reindeer vogue across the snow-covered yard.  The music ends and Santa claps.  The Reindeer dancers exit.  Santa calls his reindeer by their name and they appear with his sleigh.  He invites GaGa along with him to deliver toys.  He places his sack of presents in his sleigh.  GaGa says, “Don’t forget mine.”  Santa removes a couple of gifts from the sack and places them in GaGa’s sleigh outfit.  Santa grabs the reins and calls for the reindeer to take flight.  The lights go off and all that can be seen is Rudolph’s red nose which rises to the rafters to the sound of sleigh bells.

Commercial Break

Skit Three

Open on the same piano setup from Skit Two.  This time GaGa is already at the piano and joined by Kermit the Frog, who sits atop the piano.  GaGa wears a bright red Christmas stocking for a dress, with her name written in cursive with golden thread, and a headband with a branch of mistletoe that hangs above her face.  GaGa plays bits of “Paparazzi” at a slower tempo and, like the other songs, with holiday-themed lyrics: I’m his biggest fan / I’ll follow Santa ‘til he gifts me / Stuff my, stuff my stocking … Promise I’ll be good / But I won’t stop ‘til everything is mine / Santa you’re so jolly / I’ll follow you until you gift me / Stuff my, stuff my stocking … etc.  In between the bits of song Kermit asks GaGa what she is thankful for this year.  GaGa tells the Muppet that she’s thankful for things like family, friends, being able to make music, her Little Monsters, pushing buttons and, most importantly, being reunited with her loverboy, Kermit.  Kermit is nervous and intimidated by GaGa but thankful to be reunited with her, too.  GaGa plays a little bit more of the song before she asks Kermit if he knows what is hanging above her head.  He does.  She asks if he knows what he has to do.  He does.  “Well?” GaGa asks.  Kermit, bashfully, moves across the piano and gives GaGa a kiss.  The lights go out with GaGa saying, “Oh, Kermit.”

Commercial Break

Song Four

Open on an icy plain with an ice castle in the background.  The lights are a pale blue.  Winds are heard whipping about.  GaGa enters in a snow globe costume.  The costume contains her torso with her head, arms and legs free.  Inside the snow globe is a replica of the “Haus of KrinGle”.  GaGa, with a hand pressed to the side of the globe, shakes herself and snow rises and then slowly falls inside of the globe.  She walks out to the center of the icy plain, looking around and around.  “Hello?” GaGa says.  Whispering is heard.  GaGa asks, “Is anyone there?”  Slowly, from both sides of the stage, dancers dressed as various inhabitants of the Island of Misfit Toys, from the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special enter.  There’s King Moonracer, Charlie-In-The-Box, Two Spotted Elephants, A Dolly for Sue, the Cowboy That Rides an Ostrich, the Airplane That Can’t Fly and Bird Fish.  The costumes are sharper and tighter-fitting.  The Misfit Toys greet GaGa.  “Who are you?” they ask.  “I’m a misfit.  Like you.”  “What’s wrong with you?”  GaGa then removes the hand she’s kept pressed to the side of the globe and liquid begins pouring out.  “I’m a snow globe with a hole in it.”  The Misfit Toys welcome her and the Cowboy brings her a piece of cork to place in the hole of the globe.  She thanks him and gives him a kiss.  The song begins.  It is to the tune of “LoveGame”: It’s Xmas Eve, these gifts are sick / I wanna take a ride on your sleigh St. Nick … Give me and take me / Just wanna be somebody’s present / Maybe this second I’ll be wrapped then gifted … First you steal this, then they steal that, so you steal the same / It’s all in the GiftGame … etc.  The Misfit Toys and GaGa dance around the icy plain sliding side-to-side and front-to-back.  The song ends.  Sleigh bells are heard.  Santa and the reindeer enter.  Santa greets the Misfit Toys and then asks GaGa what she’s doing here.  She says she’s a misfit, too and belongs with these toys.  Santa says all these misfits belong with someone who will love them.  He tells them to get in his sleigh.  They all rejoice and then get on his sleigh.  Everyone exits, shouting, “Merry Christmas” and blowing kisses to the audience and cameras.

End

(Special Thanks to Beast for GaGa Guidance.)