A Fool’s Fairy Tales of the Top 40: Ke$ha Gets a Bath

Once Upon a Time…

There lived a young woman named Ke$ha.  Ke$ha loved to sing and dance and substitute letters in her name for symbols that looked like the letters.  Every evening, Ke$ha would sing and dance down the streets of the village where she lived, stopping to pluck clothing that people didn’t want any more out of the dumpsters with their garbage.  Ke$ha couldn’t believe the villagers would throw away such nice shirts and pants and scarves.  What’s a little tear or stain?  What are two little tears or stains for that matter?  Ke$ha believed these things were cool and sexy.  Ke$ha also believed that not bathing, partying, lots and lots of partying, and money were cool and sexy, too.  So everyday Ke$ha would sing her songs, not bathe, take clothes from dumpsters, party, get money and make herself cooler and sexier.

Now the villagers where Ke$ha lived didn’t think what Ke$ha was doing was cool or sexy.  They thought it was gross.  Really, really gross.  They’d say, “She’s wearing our trash!”  Or, “That Ke$ha is one filthy girl!”  Some of them liked her songs, but not everyone.  And even the ones who did like her songs thought she sure was stinky.

So one morning, while Ke$ha was still asleep after a late night of partying, the villagers all got together at the Great Hall and talked about what they were going to do about that dirty and smelly Ke$ha.

Mr. Litterless the garbage man said, “Why don’t I take her in my truck to the landfill?”

Some of the people liked that idea but not enough.

Mrs. Homeforall, who ran the village’s shelter, said, “She looks and smells like the homeless people who stay at my shelter.  Why don’t we put her in there?”

Some of the people liked that idea but not enough.

The villagers offered up more ideas but not enough of them could agree on one.  What they could all agree on, was that Ke$ha should be free to live in the village.  They just needed to make her less dirty.  Suddenly, Mr. Vine, the owner of the village flower shop, stood up.

“I have an idea!”

Mr. Vine told the villagers his idea and they all agreed.

The next day, Ke$ha was dancing and singing a song, about the sounds a clock makes, on the main street of the village.  Down the block was Mr. Vine.  He was out front of his shop watering some flowers with his hose.  Just as Ke$ha was about to pass his shop, Mr. Vine suddenly turned his hose on Ke$ha.  This was his plan: to clean her up.  Ke$ha was angry but it was working.  But just as Mr. Vine’s plan was nearly complete, Ke$ha fell into the gutter of the street.  Ke$ha was dirty again.

The next day, Ke$ha was once again singing and dancing, dirtier than the day before.  Mad at Mr. Vine, she decided to go by the park today.  What she didn’t know was that Mr. Green, the parks man, was waiting for her.  As she passed by, he flipped on the sprinklers and they sprayed poor Ke$ha over and over again.  Ke$ha was nearly clean when she slipped on the sidewalk, which the sprinklers had gotten all wet, and fell into a big dirty puddle.  Ke$ha was dirty!  Again!

The next day, Ke$ha was singing and dancing, the dirtiest she’d ever been.  But she was scared of the village so she decided to sing her song, about partying at the home of a man she didn’t care about but had a lot of money and things, on the sidewalk in front of her house.  The villagers had a plan for this though.  They sent the village’s fire truck to Ke$ha’s house.  When the firemen got there, they took out there fire hose and let her have it.  Ke$ha was getting clean so fast.  But the hose, it was so strong!  It pushed little Ke$ha right down into a storm drain and down into the sewer, the grossest, dirtiest, smelliest place in the village!  Ke$ha was dirty!  Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!

Later that day, while Ke$ha was partying in her new favorite place, the sewer, the villagers got together again at the Great Hall.

Captain Blazeaway, the fireman, shouted, “Now what are we gonna do?”

Many other villagers asked the same question but no one had any ideas.

The villagers sat around for hours and hours, quiet and worried.  Just when they thought they were going to have to live with dirty, smelly Ke$ha forever, Mr. Privy spoke.

“Of course!  Why didn’t I think of this idea ages ago!”

The villagers wondered, “What is it, Mr. Privy?”

“Ke$ha likes to sing, right?”

“Right.”

“And she likes money, right?”

“Right.”

“Well why don’t we ask her to perform at my store?  For money?”

“But your store is Bed, Bath and Beyond, Mr. Privy.  That’s not where singers sing!”

“I know, I know.  But you’ve seen all the movies and commercials that Ke$ha has sung her song about the sound of clocks for, right?”

“Of course!  How couldn’t we?”

“Then you know she’ll sing for anything as long as she gets paid for it!”

“He’s right!”

And it was settled.  Mrs. Homeforall would send one of the homeless people down into the sewers to tell Ke$ha that she had a concert at Mr. Privy’s Bed, Bath and Beyond.

The day of the concert, Ke$ha walked from her house to the Bed, Bath and Beyond.  The villagers all came out to follow her.  When they saw all the mud and trash and bugs and poo-poo all over her, they wished they would have gone to the concert before her.  Even more so when they caught a whiff of her.  P.U. was Ke$ha stinky!  The stinkiest she had ever been.  Miss Prim even fainted from the smell!

At the Bed, Bath and Beyond the stage had been set by Mr. Privy.  It was genius!  Mr. Privy had built a small stage with a trap door.  Beneath the trap door was a big bathtub filled with fresh water and soap, soap, soap.

Ke$ha arrived.  The villagers stood in the aisles, holding their noses.  Ke$ha was asking if everybody was ready to party when the trap door opened and she plunged into the tub.  The villagers waited.  A minute later, Ke$ha emerged.

“Look!  Ke$ha is spotless!  Her hair, her skin, her clothes, everything!”

The villagers rejoiced!

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End

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