January 13, 2010 – Midnight
The Temple of Robertson – Main Palace – Master Bedroom
The Master Bedroom contains a four-post king-size bed. It is gilded in gold. At the top of each post is a golden statue of Jesus. The golden headboard features a print of The Transfiguration of Jesus by Raphael. Above the headboard, near the ceiling, golden statues of cherubs hold a maroon curtain made of velvet draped against the wall. A chandelier hangs from the ceiling in the middle of the room. Across from the bed is a large plasma-screen television hanging upon the wall. It is tuned to the Christian Broadcasting Network. A large armoire stands beside the bed. Upon its doors is a painting of the Virgin Mary. Next to the armoire is a large window.
Televangelist Pat Robertson enters the Master Bedroom from the Master Bathroom. He is in silk pajamas and has toothpaste on his chin. Pat stands beside the bed and then slowly lowers himself to his knees. Creaks and cracks are heard from various joints in his body. He places his elbows on the bed and begins his nightly prayer.
Pat Robertson: Oh Heavenly Father, thank You for filling my soul with Your Love again today, and providing me with the strength to do Your Work. Lord, give Adelia the power to spread Your Message to those border-jumping barbarians in El Paso this week and—
Pat hears his voice from the television and halts his prayer to watch himself. It is a rerun of Tuesday’s episode of The 700 Club. He watches until the commercial break and then returns to the prayer.
Pat: Father, thank You for another great episode of The 700 Club tonight. (He scratches his bottom.) Thank You for a wonderful dinner and thank You for dessert. Amen.
A bolt of lightning illuminates the room followed closely by a peal of thunder. Pat, still on his knees, is startled. The room begins to shake and Pat falls on his side.
Pat: My bones!
Pat rolls onto his back and looks up at the ceiling as it suddenly changes to great white clouds. Where the chandelier hung is now the sun. God enters as a single column of light that stands at the foot of the bed.
God: Pat Robertson.
Pat: Oh Holy God! Oh Heavenly Father! (He rises to his knees.) Praise to You! Praise to You! Have You come again to tell me Your Word?
God: I have.
Pat: Will the Christian heresy that is Islam be swallowed up once and for all into the sands of the Holy Land?
God: No, I want to—
Pat: Will homosexuals be crushed by a meteor, taking them down to their rightful home in Hell?
God: No, I want—
Pat: Will The 700 Club become the only television show in—?
God: No!
The room rumbles.
God: I need you to listen to me, Pat.
Pat: Always, Lord.
God: No, really this time, Pat. Alright?
Pat: Your Word is my food. Your Word is my water. Your Word is my blood. Your Word is my—
God: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pat, I’ve come to you tonight to talk about Haiti.
Pat: Haiti? Those devil worshippers are going to feel Your Wrath further?
God: No, the earthquake was not my wrath, Pat, it was just a natural—
Pat: You had warned them, Lord. But did they listen? No. They just kept on with their voodoo and their sacrifices. You had to cause that earthquake.
God: No. I just said it was not—
Pat: They’ve brought this curse upon themselves. You can’t make pacts with the Devil. If you—
God: Pat!
The room rumbles.
God: Just listen to me. This is important.
Pat: I understand, Lord. Like the Pacific Northwestern tsunami in 2006 that You warned me about in 2004. Yes, I listened to Your Words and prayed and prayed and with the power of my prayer You stopped that tsunami.
God: Pat, that was about the Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004. Which I told you about in 2003.
Pat: Yes, the Pacific Northwest is thriving, Lord. All those coffee-drinking hippies were saved even if they should have been swept away in—
God: Pat! You’re not listening! (To himself.) Why do I even bother? Maybe I should go back to Swaggart. Even if he just prays for an erection and a bevy of prostitutes. At least he tried to listen. What am I saying? Swaggart? Good god. Is he even alive? He is. Huh. (To Pat.) Pat Robertson! Listen to my word!
A bolt of lightning illuminates the room followed closely by a peal of thunder. The room rumbles.
Pat: Yes, my Lord?
God: I need you to organize your coalition to support my children in Haiti. I need my children across the world to unite and help and love one another. I need them to ease the suffering—
Pat: My Lord, how right You are in uniting Your Children to show them what Your Wrath hath brought to the devil-worshippers. Your Work will help them return to the Christian Path to—
God: PAT ROBERTSON!
The clouds upon the ceiling turn black. Bolts of lightning flash and thunder roars. Pat is knocked to the floor again. The column of light is now a column of white fire.
Pat: Oh Lord! My hips! Please God be gentle with my hips! How will I spread the Gospel—?
God: SHUT UP! Just shut your goddamned mouth for one second! This is it, Pat. I am telling you one last time and if you don’t listen to my word, you will never hear from me again. Do you understand that?
Pat: (Rises.) Heavenly Father, I am but a vessel for Your Word. Fill my soul with Your Holiness.
God: My children in Haiti need help. You need to tell your viewers that—
Pat: That even with Napoleon the Third or whatever breathing down your neck, you just do not make a pact with the Devil? Of course. You put your trust in The Lord. Otherwise you shall be struck down by earthquakes and—
God: AHH!
Lightning shoots from the column of fire. A bolt strikes the armoire. It tips over and nearly lands on Pat.
Pat: Mother Mary!
Thunder violently shakes the room. A bolt of lightning strikes the golden cherubs and knocks them from the wall. The velvet curtains fall upon Pat.
Pat: Lord! I am shrouded in darkness! Help me, Lord!
God: You blew it, Pat Robertson!
Pat: I can hear You, Lord but I cannot see You!
God: I’ll see you in Hell, Pat Robertson. Oh wait, I won’t. That’s the whole idea of that place.
The white fire rises back into the clouds which then dissolve. God exits.
Pat struggles with the curtain for another minute before getting his head out.
Pat: Lord?
On all fours he looks to the ceiling. It has returned to its original state.
Pat: He has returned to Heaven.
Pat stands and removes the curtain. There is a wet spot on the front of his pajama pants.
Pat: The Devil shrouded me in darkness so I would not hear His Word! Satan thought he could keep God out of Haiti. He is sadly mistaken. I will preach to my fellow Christians and we will save those heathens. The Lord punished them and now I must build them back up! Your Work, Oh Lord, shall be done by Your Humble Servant, Pat Robertson! Amen!
End.
